I have been thinking about my mom so much lately. It’s been more than 8 years and I miss her more than ever.  Some days it feels like yesterday but then I think about everything I couldn’t share with her over the years and it hits me how long it has been.  She was the most amazing person I know.  That is why I thought I would share what she taught me:

Mom as a baby

How to be a woman:  My mom was the most self respecting person I knew.  She often lost friends because she wouldn’t fit in but she always stuck to her values.  Even when she was in hospital and she couldn’t talk she hated the fact that someone had to dress her.  She always looked good and she was proud to be a woman.  Even though there were parts of her she would change if she could, she loved herself.

How to be a wife:  Even though their life was rough and they went through many obstacles she loved my dad till the very end.  She tried every day to make his life a little better or easier.  She demanded his respect above all else.

How to love:  Every single day of my life I knew I was loved.  She said it often and she said it proudly.  She taught me that love is the biggest gift and to do it completely.  She taught me that love is respectful and compassionate. She showed me  that love is not always enough but it is always worth fighting for.  She told me that love can move mountains.  She showed me love – every day!

How to be a friend:  She did not have many (real) friends but those she had she held close.  She would do anything for them. She was there when they needed her.  She was a shoulder to cry on.  A hand to hold.  Sometimes she would get the same in return but in the end, it didn’t really matter to her.  She felt that her part in their lives was far more important than anything she could get in return.

How to be a mother:  My mother was my biggest fan and loudest supporter.  Even when I failed at something, she was there to support me and cheer me on.  I never doubted her love for me.  She was my best friend and I could tell her anything.  Even if she didn’t have the words she would hold my hand and listen.  I wasn’t afraid to tell her anything.  I knew that even if it was bad she would never stop loving me.  She was strict but fair.  She gave me freedom to do certain things and gave me reasons for things I could not do.  She was always honest, always sincere and always kept her word.  I respected her so very much.  I knew that if I lied to her I would get punished.  She had no problem with taking her shoe off and spanking me in a shopping centre or at Funland (yes, even when I was 16!!).  She encouraged my dreams but she was always realistic.  She told me that I can do anything and to keep my head in the clouds. She would always make sure I had my feet on the ground.

How to be sarcastic:  Make no mistake – my mom had the wildest sense of humour and had a knack for sarcasm that I am proud to have picked up from her.

How to give unconditionally:  My mom had a tough life and went through periods that were awful.  She was always willing to give.  She never expected or asked anything in return and a smile, hug or sigh of relief was her reward – and she loved it.  She gave to her family more than she had to.  I look back and I feel awful for what she gave up for us.  So that we could have what we wanted.

There is so much she gave me.  She gave me my brother – who I love so very much – and his family full of love.  She gave me love, freedom to be me and respect.  She gave me life.  She made me who I am today.  We had so many dreams for the future and plans for our lives.  I wish we could have that time together.  I wish I could say good bye.

I love you Mom

Mom & I

Isn’t it interesting how this time of year leaves almost everyone tired and looking forward to the holidays.  Everywhere I see people are moaning and grumpy.  It seems every day is a bad day.

I am tired and my days are full but I am not wishing the time away.  Or maybe I am.  I am looking forward to things slowing down a little.  I do actually enjoy being busy, having something to do.  For the last week to ten days I have been feeling super tired and then 3 days ago my throat started burning.  Yesterday my nose.  I guess all signs point to me getting a bit sick.  The timing couldn’t be worse.  Well,  I am going to kick its butt so that it doesn’t get worse than it has to.

In exactly one week (31 october) I am writing my first exam.  Some times I feel so calm about it and other times I am completely freaking out.  I think it is the unknown that scares me.  I have not written an exam of any kind in over 10 years.  I have no idea where, how, what will happen.  I did not even know how the exam paper layout will be. The census lady that came happens to be doing the same degree and she was kind enough to bring me some old exam papers.  I can’t explain how much that has helped me to calm down.  Just knowing what it will *look* like has helped.  I know it doesn’t make sense but I like knowing and planning.  I am not sure when that happened but it is what it is.  :D

Speaking of census.  The lady popped in one morning and it took her all of 15 minutes to get through it all.  I actually feel quite bad for them.  They are having such a hard time getting people to do their bit.  People are refusing to do it.  People pretend they are not home.  Shame.

The Teen Mom Support Group KZN is going very well.  Of course I always wish that things were better but nonetheless things are going really well.  I would love a bit more exposure. It seems that is the hardest of all.  Getting the word out is harder than I thought it would be.  So if anyone out there has any connection or feel like doing some PR for us you are more than welcome  

My mind has been going again with things that shouldn’t be there.  In the last year I have been hopeful but also been able keep my mind busy and occupied.  That has helped but lately it is all coming back.  I still want to be hopeful.  A year has gone by and I am still in the same place.  It feels like nothing has changed.  Some days it feels like all that has changed is my desire and longing.   I have so much to be thankful for but the heart wants what the heart wants.  That alone makes me angry / sad.  I don’t know if it will ever be me and I don’t know if that will ever be ok for me if it doesn’t happen.

So,  for the next week there will be no The Sims 3, no shows (except in bed), no knitting.  Studying only.  Then after the Social Welfare Law exam on the 31st it’s all systems go for Psychology on the 10th.  In between those two the in-laws are coming into town for almost 2 weeks.  I am sure we will see them once or twice.  The night of the 10th we are taking them to Barnyard Theatre to watch Big Top Rock.  Then they are spending the weekend with us even though I have to do some studying.  It’s downhill from there to the Anthropology exam on the 17th.  Then it is all over till next year  I might be scarce but I will be around.

Just over two years ago before I started the treatment for HS I was going to gym and had even started going to Pilates with my friend Heidi.  I was really enjoying it and except when the HS would flare up thought I would really get into it. Then I was diagnosed and started the treatment.

The dr warned me that I would have some muscle and joint pain but he couldn’t tell me how severe it would be.  I could carry on with normal activities unless it became too uncomfortable for me, which he thought it would to some degree.  Not even a week later that muscle and joint pain he spoke about appeared.  In a big way.  I stopped going to gym.

Obviously I started picking up weight.  I had extra to begin with but not moving didn’t help matters.  The medication made my whole body hurt.  When I got into the car it felt like my hips were being pulled apart by a torture machine.  Walking caused pain with every step I took.  Sometimes just lifting my arms to brush my hair was so painful.  All I wanted to do was sleep or lie down or sit.

As the weight piled on slowly I just got more angry with myself.  By the time I went in for surgery last year I couldn’t even face the scale.  When I went for the pre-op stuff I made them take my weight because I refused to look at the scale and I didn’t want to know.  For the second surgery I did the same.  When the bill came in the post for the second op I was reading through it and accidently saw my weight.  I was so embarrassed.

So now the weight has piled on and I hate it.  I had to do something.  Even worse was the way I was feeling.  Even if I didn’t lose all the weight I just want to feel better.  I wanted to be healthy.

About a month ago I told Willie that I wanted to make a change in my diet.  I told him that he didn’t have to change anything and I didn’t want to restrict him because of my choice.  He does after all not have extra weight.  I don’t think our meals were that bad.  My problem was snacking. I am a sucker for chips.  Even worse, I had to snack in bed.  When I went to bed at night with my iPad and watched shows I had to have something to snack on.  When I went grocery shopping I would buy so many snacks. Our snack cupboard was heavenly.  There was always something great in there.  Anything you could think of.  So I would go to bed and take a big packet of chips.  Before I knew it the packet was empty.  Such a pig!!

So when I decided to make the change I knew the snacking had to change.  I also knew that if I just stopped cold turkey that I would only stick to it for a week or so and then I would fold.   Then I had to work on our meals.  They were not bad but they weren’t the best.  I don’t eat salad (more the tomato and onion that I don’t eat) and Willie doesn’t eat veggies.  That’s do-able.  I love veggies so I would make veggies for myself and salad for Willie.  Since buying the Air Fryer our food had become much healthier.  So I would still prepare the usual meat / protein and just add the salad / veggies.  I didn’t want to get so bad that I couldn’t enjoy a nice meal if we were going out.  I just wanted to be healthier.

When I went grocery shopping in August I did not buy one single packet of chips.  No chocolate.  The only snacks I bought were dried fruit, rice crackers and popcorn.   I am really proud of myself.  I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything.  I won’t lie, I so sometimes get cravings for chips and then it is all I can think of.  I have ‘cheated’ but for the most part I have tried to make healthier choices.

I can’t say if I have lost weight but I am starting to feel loads better.  I feel like I have more energy.  I am starting to see what I can do and what I can achieve.  I have visions of a much thinner me.  I hope!!

On a similar note:  This winter has been bad flu wise.  It feels like I have been sick the whole time.  At one point while I was sick someone had recommended a humidifier.  I never thought it was needed in Durban but when I asked the pharmacist he said that with me being asthmatic he would really recommend it.  I couldn’t tell if it was making a huge difference but we used it every night.  2 nights ago I didn’t put it back properly after refilling.  I didn’t notice as it did come on initially but obviously went off once the water at the bottom ran out.  I woke up the next morning with my chest feeling a little tighter than normal.  I thought I might have just been getting sick again but once I noticed the humidifier I knew exactly why.  It wasn’t bad but I could feel it.  The humidifier is definitely making a difference. 

So let’s hope it works and that soon I will be shaking off the weight that is the bane of my existence and an ugly reminder!!

Willie and I have only been to The Barnyard once before for one of his staff functions.  It was really fun and we said we would definitely go again.  Turns out we didn’t but when our anniversary rolled around this year he booked tickets for us to go.  He also booked tickets for my birthday.

On our anniversary we went to “Six of the Best” and it really was so good!  It just kept getting better.  The cast was fabulous and we kept turning to each other saying “that was so good”.  There was the one part which was a bit of a play on Rocky Horror Picture Show.  Also, Darren Verciul who ‘played’ Freddie Mercury was absolutely fantastic! He lived the role and he enjoyed every second of being on that stage.  Of course all of them were absolutely amazing but he had just something extra!  I loved it.  It was just fabulous! We had really great seats and the evening was really great.  We also had really nice pizza.

I must just mention that the staff there are great!  All friendly and on the ball.  The guy that is at the pizza place is just so cool.  He is really funny and he makes you feel like he’s known you forever.

We walked out really looking forward to the next show which was on my birthday.

On Saturday we got there at about the same time we did last time.  It was pretty empty but I assumed it had something to do with the Sharks game that was on.  So we ordered pizza and drinks and we took our places.  Once again we had really great seats.  The place started filling up pretty fast after that.  It was pretty clear it was a different crowd compared to the last time we were there.  About 45 minutes before the show started the couple sitting next to me walked in.  It was  clear from the start that they had had a few drinks already.  They went to order drinks and came back with what looked like the whole bar.  Bottles of wine and beer.  In my opinion they didn’t need any more and besides,  Barnyard is not exactly the place you go to get drunk and party.  I would assume you would head off to a club or pub for that instead of a show.  They got really loud and seemed to hit it off with the folks that were sitting next to them.

The conversation got louder and cruder as time went on.  Eventually they got up to go smoke and pee (yes, they let us know where they were going) and then came back with 12 shooters.  12.  For 4 people.  It should have been pretty clear that it was all going to go downhill after that but it was my birthday, we had paid for the tickets and we were really looking forward to “The Final Countdown”.  Willie asked me if I wanted to leave and I said we will see how it goes.  I really thought that once the show started they would calm down and enjoy the show like the rest of us civilized people were planning on doing.

Well, the lights came on, the music started and Kirsty Madgin played the Saxaphone.  It was really great.  My neighbours however, went ape.  Stomping and kicking the platform and table.  Banging their hands on the table tops.  Screaming and shouting the oddest loads of rubbish.  I know it was sounding great but really?  Of course everyone turned to stare and look and we got loads of those stares as well.  The couple sitting next to W were also getting pretty annoyed and I could see that he was not the type of person to keep quiet.  In fact, he looked about ready to punch the guy in the face.

2 minutes in I spotted W sitting forward in his chair and he looked over to these folks with *that* look.  I knew it was time to leave.  They had really ruined the atmosphere and the night.  I couldn’t imagine going through a show with drunk out of their minds adults behaving like apes.  If I wanted to see and share in that I would not have chosen The Barnyard for the evening.  It is not how we have experience it before and not what we associate with The Barnyard.  Don’t get me wrong.  People were having fun, having a few drinks, being a little silly.  There was fun and then there was the couple from hell.

We ended up walking out before the intro was even finished.  I just couldn’t stand it.  I can’t understand why people behave like that.  To make matters worse, this couple came together.  Which means they had to drive there together. Which means they were leaving together.  Neither of them arrived sober or in a position to be driving and they sure as heck were not going to leave in a much better state.  I wonder how many peoples lives were in danger that night while they made their way home.  If they made their way home.

Thank you Barnyard for being great and for really understanding.  You guys are awesome!

Right, I am trying to do some catch up so please stick with me.  It’s definitely been too long.

Mid July we flew Willie’s parents up for a weekend visit.  It was only the second time they were flying and the first time they were doing the whole thing on their own.  I was so nervous that something was going to go wrong and it would upset them or put them off the whole thing completely.  I went to pick them up just before 1pm on a Friday and the minute they came  through the gates with smiles on their faces I knew everything was fine.

My nerves were a little frazzled a few days before they arrived.  2 weeks before our domestic worker phoned me on a Sunday night and told me she was sick and going to the dr but she would be back Tuesday unless she tells me otherwise.  I didn’t bother doing too much as she was expected back.  Well she was off for 2 weeks.  Because I left so much for her expecting her back I was stuck doing catch up cleaning as well.  urgh.  That will teach me.  Needless to say I had about a week to spring clean the house from top to bottom, catch up on washing and ironing and prepare the spare room.  I think I might’ve actually done a bit of a better job

On the Sunday while Willie’s parents were here we had a bit of an issue with our dogs. While W and his dad were out I was sitting in the lounge.  I heard Frank yelping outside so I went to see what his problem was.  I walked out the door and ALL the dogs were around Nosh and all i saw was blood.  I grabbed her and took her inside.  Phoned W and he rushed home so that we can take her to the vet.  I couldn’t see more than one or two ‘holes’ but I could see that she was very sore.  We took her to the emergency vet and she got almost completely shaved so that they could treat her wounds.  There were loads of them.  It took her a while to start acting like her normal self.  3 weeks later her hair had still not grown back.

Last week Wednesday W was home off sick and I was at a meeting.  I was just around the corner from home when he phoned me. The dogs were all around Nosh again and she was bleeding.  We couldn’t take a chance so I rushed home to take her to the vet.  She was in surgery so she gave her an injection for pain and I had to leave her there.  When I came home W and I had to start thinking about what to do for Nosh.  We were very concerned about it being just too much for her at her age.  We went back a bit later to speak to the vet.  Nosh couldn’t see very well anymore and she was battling to hear. She spent most of her time sleeping.  We were worried that her quality of life would be so much worse after this.

After speaking to our vet it was pretty obvious what we had to decide.  She told us that it was quite natural for dogs to attack an older dog, especially as old as Nosh.  She said they would do till they kill her.  It wasn’t that they were bad dogs it was just the way it is in nature.  She showed us that Nosh had huge bites on both side of her neck.  She had to have stitches on both sides and on her lower back.  It was so close to her jugular.  So the choice wasn’t really a choice.  She was just coming out of surgery so she wasn’t really awake but I got to spend a little bit of time with her.  She was shaking from the anesthetic but the minute I put her head in my hand she calmed down.  I spent a few minutes with her but then I had to leave.  It was just too much.

Nosh playing with Muffin (about a year ago)

I know for most people it is just a dog.  For me she was so much more than just a dog!  We moved to the south coast and lived with my aunt for a while while our house was being sorted.  When we got there their dog had puppies 4 days before.  I got to choose one and Nosh got her name a few days later.  I spent SO much time with her and by the time she was ready to ‘leave the nest’ we were ready to move into our house as well.  So I’ve had her since 4 days old.  She had such a character.  It was the first time we had a small dog that was allowed to be inside.  Up till then our dogs were outside dogs.  I remember coming home from school on the weekend and she was lying in the lounge.  My mom had originally said that she would be an outside dog so I was surprised to find her inside.  My mom said she was still a puppy so she could be inside for a while but I saw immediately that Nosh had crawled into my moms heart and she was going to be an inside dog.  She was my friend in some crazy times.  I remember my mom picking me up from school on my 18th birthday with flowers and my Nosh.  They drove all the way to fetch me in the middle of the week.  I remember Nosh coming to school with me on our last day.  She was the star and everyone wanted to play with her.  I remember sobbing over boys and she would look at me as if to say “what’s the big deal, it will all work out in the end”.  I remember when my mom died and I was shattered.  All I wanted to do was cry and she came to lie next to me and pushed her wet nose on my cheeks.  She didn’t leave my side once. I remember when she was about to have puppies and I was away for the weekend.  My dad phoned me and told me that she was acting strange and he thinks she was going to have her puppies that weekend.  By Sunday morning he phoned me and said I better come home there seems to be something wrong with her.  I rushed home and when I walked into the room she wagged her tail and literally within minutes her first puppy was born.  I believe she was waiting for me.  The list goes on and on.  I grew up with her. She was 14 years old and was my best friend for those 14 years.

I miss her so much.  The house seems quiet.  I wish I had known so that I could have a at least a few special days with her.  It has also made me miss my mom so much more than ever.  I guess it is the cycle of life.  You start to lose those nearest and dearest to you.  It stinks to be honest.

As usual, it has been forever.  :/  I hate it when I wait so long to post because I tend to forget so much and get everything in the wrong order.  So excuse me if this is all over the place.

Pinky chilling out

Not long after my last post we had a bit of an issue with Pinky.  One Sunday he spent most of the day outside lying in the flower bed.  It’s not entirely unusual but when he did not come in near feeding time we knew something was up.  Willie went out to fetch him and the minute he held him he start screaming.  It is also not unusual for him to squeal when he is picked up but not the whole time.  W put him down at his bowl and he jumped off immediately.  So we knew something was up.  He walked to the door and just lay there.  I took his food to him and I noticed that he was lying with his bum in the air a bit.  He wouldn’t eat his food.  I tried to feel if there was something caught in his hair or anything but he didn’t want me to touch him.  I suspected that he was constipated.  (persians seem to be partial to constipation and urinary tract infections – mostly because of the hair)  After about an hour or so Willie decided that we need to take Pinky to the vet.  He seemed to be very uncomfortable and W didn’t want to risk it.  I was busy with something so he ended up taking Pinky through.  Lucky for us our normal vet was on duty at the emergency vet.  Pinky wouldn’t let anyone touch him so they suggested we leave him so that they can sedate him and then have a look.  They would phone us when they’ve had a look at him.  Willie had just gotten home when he got a call from the vet.  It was much worse than we thought and we had to come back so that we could say bye to him.  Turns out that he had necrosis in the rectum and (obviously) complete nerve damage.  There is also no way to fix it.  Pinky was still sedated when we got there so we said our good byes.  Of course I sobbed like a baby.  I felt guilty and sad.  I felt like I should’ve done something sooner or that he was in pain for a long time.  The vet says it might’ve been coming for a while but there was no way of knowing.  He wouldn’t have been in pain till the end.  There was nothing we could do.

The house is so much quieter without him here.  He was a handful and had to be watched all the time so it feels a little strange not having him around.  When we adopted him from the SPCA he was sick, he’d had a stroke.  They didn’t think he was going to live for long at all.  So Pinky made it much longer than anyone thought he would.  He had improved over the years and had a really good life.  He was special and loved.  He is missed.

On a happier note.  After what seemed like forever Willie decided to trade in his car and get another one.  About 5 years ago we went to test drive a Honda Jazz.  I fell in love with it!  It’s always been my dream car.  You know those conversations you have about what you would do if you win the lotto.  What car you would buy when money isn’t a concern. Well, mine has always been a Jazz.  So when hubby was looking around he sent me a few links with different cars that he was interested in.  I opened them all and one of them was a Jazz!  I almost died.  We phoned the dealer and they ended up having one that had not even 52000 km’s on the clock.  It was basically brand new!!!  So needless to say hubby is now driving around in a gorgeous, practically brand new Honda Jazz.  It is gorgeous!  I am not going to lie I am super jealous of him but I am SO happy that he has it.  He is loving it too of course

Ok I think that is enough for now.  This post is already much longer than it should’ve been and it is only half the news.  Next time….